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That’s right. I won’t bone a guy. I know you’re thinking: but wait, I’ve read Salli Frattini’s articles. I happen to know she was a fucking knock-out a mere 6 years ago. She MUST have some bone-factor left in her. You are right, I am primed for the bone-yard.

And yet, as fucking amazing as I look, as I sit here today penning this…I shant partake in a simple bone sesh.

I know what’s up. And now you will, too.

Ladies, heed my warning. For I hath been to the cockland and back. There was a day — and this was around the time that I was a cage-dancer in Albuquerque — that I would bone a guy if he so much as reminded me of a guy that I liked. I boned so many dudes, I for sure can’t remember over 80% of their names. Nor faces. In fact, if you’re a man who was alive during the late 80s thru 90s…I may have boned YOU.

I am not proud of this fact. But it is a fact. I have laid claim to more bones than the Natural History Museum.

Now, why am I being a braggart about my whorish ways? It is to exemplify that I know from what I speak. If you’re still not convinced, try this: I also dated a recon marine for 6 years. Let me tell you, we boned so much, many episodes occurred while I slept. So ladies, what I’m trying to tell you is: I have been to boner-land. I was the mayor.

But now I live in dry as a burnt-boot land. Why? Because I know a thing or two about boning. And what I know is, if you bone a guy right out of the gate, he will marry someone else. FACT.

The longer you wait to bone, the longer you’ll be together. FACT.

Even if he marries you, he’ll start boning someone on line within 3 years. FACT.

Sorry. Wish they weren’t the rules. But they are. If a guy gets all-access to your hee-haw, you may as well sign him up for EHarmony. Because that’s where he’s going.

No, ladies. I’m afraid the 3rd date rule is a thing of the past. Guys who have to work for their snatch respect it more. My advice is, wait 2 months. 1 Month if he takes you on an overnight stay somewhere. That’s what my beloved did. He brought me to Cambria at the end of our first month together, knowing full well that it was ON: bonerville central, right in the heart of central California.

BTW, not boning doesn’t mean no action. You can still do some exploration without boning. But trust me, the less milk you give, the more he’ll be willing to pay for the cow. FACT.

So I think my point is made. I am not making these things up, they are facts created and sustained by universal law. I have to live by them too, even though they blow. (Something else you should wait a month to do.)

There is a guy in my life right now that could melt your pants off just by looking at you, square in the eye. HE is a knock out, gorgeous, smart and disarmingly kind. If he asked me today, I would really have to restrain myself from going whole hog on his hog. But ladies, I would control my impulses. Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a guy doesn’t get to his mid -30s…without having ever been married…without having some serious intimacy issues. The faster I get intimate with him, the sooner the blush will be off the rose.

Men are simple creatures. As are women. We bone, we fall in love. They bone, they fall into fear. So the best policy is to leave the boning until a more substantial trust can be built. One where you come to adore this person so much, boning now has become a symbol of your affection, rather than a convenient way to relax on Saturday, or transmit herpes.

As I said before, you can touch, just not too much. His sense of wonderment and appreciation when you finally do get to business will blow your mind. So I know it’s hard, both literally and figuratively. But, you’ll thank me later. You just might enjoy it more too, knowing he stuck around for YOU…not just good poon.