The word “Potential” seems to be used by dating spin doctors to look at a negative trait in a positive light. “Sure he drives a Civic, but he has potential.” “I know he’s just a mechanic, but he has potential.” When a woman says a man has “Potential” what she’s really saying is that she plans on changing him. He might be happy with a modest job, car, and a two bedroom house, but she wants more, and rather than finding someone new she plans on changing the man she has into the man she wants.

If you find yourself in a conversation with a woman talking about your “Potential” know that she’s not giving you a complement, in fact it’s quite an insult. She’s talking about all the things you could be, all the things you aren’t. You might be blinded by her kind nature or disarming approach but the truth is you’re not what she wants. You might think she’s the only one who gave you a chance or that she’s the only one who sees how unique you are. I’ll even admit, she sees something in you that no one else does… someone else.

If a woman says you have potential what she really means is you’re not good enough… yet. Maybe after she badgers you into a career change you’ll make enough money for her. Maybe if she cries and complains enough she’ll emotionally blackmail you to stop going to play poker with the boys. In a relationship with a woman who sees your potential you can only be sure of two things. You’re not what she really wants, and she’s going to try to change you whether you like it or not.

Think about the person who made you happiest in your life. Just picture them smiling or cuddled with you on the couch. Would you ever say that they had potential? Absolutely not, they were what you wanted, they made you happy. If you want to be happy again than avoid the passive aggressive games. Avoid the calculated tears or subtle insults. If a woman tells you that you have potential, leave her and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

Over the next half hour I was horrified. The program centered on the authors of a new book about keeping a happy marriage after a child is born. The bulk of the program consisted of a group of new mothers talking about why they don’t feel like having sex with their husbands since having a child. There was also a group of new fathers talking about how they had a funeral for their sex lives shortly after having their first child. What horrified me most about the program was that I already knew what they were talking about.

At the age of twenty eight I have several friends who have gone from drinking buddy passed out on my couch to responsible father. I’ve had the opportunity to speak to these men before, during, and after the marriage process and with some of them before and after having a child. From all the men I’ve known in my life, friends, relatives, co-workers, bartenders, whoever, I have learned two things. If sex is in any way important to you:

1. Never get married.
2. Never have children.

Although I don’t have children, several men have described to me the process a man goes through after having a child. All of these descriptions are similar and include the following:

1. Your wife gets pregnant.
2. The sex understandably drops off.
3. By the end of her pregnancy you’re both now “Used” to not having sex for over a month at a time.
4. The child is born and the time commitment of a new born is exhausting. If you’re lucky you have sex with in the first three months of your child’s birth.
5. You can count the number of times you’ve had sex in the last HALF YEAR on one hand.
6. Your child now is old enough to sleep long enough for you to get your grove on. You want sex so bad it becomes a regular conversation between you and your wife and she routinely “Doesn’t have the energy,” “Has a headache,” “Isn’t feeling up to it,” or filibusters with conversation about bills, the child, the house, etc. until it’s too late or she’s too tired to have sex.
7. Up until now all stories have been nearly identical but here is where they tend to differ depending on the wife’s personality. If the wife is an emotional person than check out 7A. If the wife’s a reasonable understanding person than check out 7B.
   1. She’s emotional: Your constant requests for sex turn into quick arguments or her breaking down and crying. She uses a combination of crying to change the topic and yelling to prevent you from bringing it up again.
   2. She’s reasonable: You explain how much the lack of sex effects you and how it’s an important part of the relationship. She says she’ll try harder and eventually becomes semi-psychic by giving you sex just moments before you’re about to have “The final talk.” You discuss going to a therapist, changing birth control, changing diet, and other options to change her lack of sex drive but she never has time because of the child and/or work.
8. After enough time you’re mentally and emotionally beaten to the point of looking forward to your birthday because there’s a 75% chance you’ll actually have sex. Of course at that point you may be a combination of desensitized and bitter making you sexually prefer your porn to your wife.

While writing this article I called and interviewed several of my friends who are married with children. I’m sure some people will dismiss this as me having a few friends who are in unfortunate circumstances but all my life I’ve known men who told me the same story. Whether it’s a cousin, a friend, a brother, I’ve heard the same story dozens of times, as has every man. Each of my friends even admits that before having children (Or in one cases just after announcing they were having a child) they had men with children coming out of the wood work to make jokes and welcome them into a life of sexlessness.When researching this topic I found that nearly every site, study, and periodical had the same cause at the top of the list for decreased sex drive. Stress. Stress causes impotence, decrease in sexual desire, and dozens of other undesirable emotional and psychological responses that can kill a sex life. That said arguably the most stressful thing a person can do is have or raise a child.

If you pay attention to your friends, family, and scientific fact, you’re left with a single choice. (Barring the rare exception to the rule.) You can have a child or you can have a sex life, but you can’t have both.

Let me set the stage for you.

Susan and I have been dancing around the suggestion of this “union” for months. But the conversation always ended with me finding a reason why it wouldn’t work out. Maybe I’m a control freak. Maybe I like my freedom. Wait, of course I like my freedom. I love not having to consult anyone, about anything. I don’t like the idea of negotiating and compromising, of giving up anything.

But some things you physically can’t do by yourself. Some things actually are better when you do them with other people.

I mentioned this potential union to a mutual friend of ours and he was over the moon about it. He thought it was the best idea, that we would be really great together. And I say I don’t want to mess up our friendship and he says don’t worry; you guys will work it out. Just do it.

Fine. So I start planning how I would go about asking her. We’ve gone back and forth, so now I need to make a grand gesture – a pronouncement of my willingness to commit. I begin to rehearse what I’ll say, maybe I’ll get down on one knee. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. And there’s the concept. Find a card that reads: Be My Valentine. Then cross out Valentine and write something else in. (By the way, there are NO cards that say, “be my valentine” anywhere! No one asks anymore. It’s just I love you, I wanna do you Bang!)

Our wires have been crossed all day and for a while, it looks like it won’t happen. But I don’t take that as a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it. That would be too easy. And there were plenty of signs. I lost my wallet, temporarily. No wallet means no gas in the car or money to prepare the trimmings. She was planning to go out for the afternoon and expecting company in the evening. It was raining, and LA folk lose their damn minds at the first sign of rain so driving would not be fun.

But I get passed all this and make it across town to her place, the same time her houseguest arrives. I bring her her favorite French bread and her favorite coffee and a bouquet of flowers. I’m holding out this pink envelope to her. And she saying “Wait, I’ll be right there. Wait, I’ll be right with you.” And I begin to fidget like a three year old at a commencement ceremony, feeling exposed and out of place. I’m sweating. I couldn’t believe it. We’ve been friends for years and I’m actually nervous. I’m wishing she would just take the damn card and read it so this crap can be over with one way or the other. She finally settles down and reads the card:

Susan, be my director. Please…

She hugs me, and Susan is not a hugger.

But it’s official. She will direct my movie this spring. We are making a movie together. I made her actually say the word yes before I reveal the bottle of bubbly I bought to christen our commitment to each other.

You poor relationship people! You must go through this all the time. Will she say yes? Will things change between us? Will I like the change? What am I giving up to be bound to this person? Am I making the right decision? How do I get out if it’s not? It’s aggravating and scary. And I never wanna go through this shit again!

As I settle into the idea of this union, I think my confidence at the decision is growing, because I am realizing what this commitment means. It means I have to trust her. And I don’t just mean creatively with my script. I need to trust her to listen and compromise and be careful with my feeling, but also honest. And she trusts me to do the same. I have to do the same.

So now I’m responsible for someone else’s feeling… The commitment stuff is certainly a mind-fuck, isn’t it? I hope it’s worth it.