One of these two will catch the attention of the other on one dating website or another. They chat casually via instant messenger and flirt shamelessly on the telephone. It is likely that they will engage in cyber-sex before they ever even meet.

They meet. They eat, drink, and have sex. The woman goes home feeling even worse about herself than before. The man sleeps soundly in his bed after a mediocre booty-session with a woman who has obvious self-esteem issues.

That’s about the typical Internet encounter.

I am not the average woman I described above. I am a corporate-kick-ass, get-it-done girl with a good body and a sharp mind. The Internet was NOT the way I planned to meet a man, much less one that would be worth anything.

However, as my career took off, my travel plans expanded to include both coasts and both borders of the States, I sought an alternative to barhopping in every new town I visited. Dating (if you could call it that) over one hundred men in two and a half years, I was a Serial-Cyber-Dater!

My first encounters began in my hometown, before I began traveling. One of the first men I met, I like to refer to as “Urkle.” This man had his pants pulled up under his armpits. His tie was tucked into his waistline. He was wearing mismatched shoes, one blue, and one black. He was about 10 years older than his profile and picture claimed. As if his appearance wasn’t punishment enough, the conversation was even worse. Urkle was boring, thought too highly of himself for being the person he was, and was just a downright asshole. He walked me to my car and went in for the kiss. I suddenly turned my head and he got a mouthful of hair. I jumped into my car and sped out of the parking lot, out of this man’s life.

In Denver, I met a man online and we decided to physically meet at a 7-11. We met; he said he was going to get a soda from the 7-11. I got a business call and had to take it. Twenty minutes later, he hadn’t come back. He never did.

In Wisconsin, I met a BMW salesman. He told me he would take me out the next weekend. I waited. He never showed. He called. “I forgot I had to do my taxes tonight. I can’t take you out.” This was in the middle of July. Soooooo urgent.

Most of my experiences with Internet dating played out like bad dates in a novel. I almost would have preferred having sex with Mr. Fling and feeling awful about myself the next day. Had I known then what I know now, I would have had a much easier time screening the losers from the, well, MVP’s.

Some tips on Internet dating?

• Don’t look for Mr. Marriage. The Internet is full of Mr. Flings and that’s what you’ll find. The good news is that some of the Mr. Flings are really Mr. Marriages. You just have to click with the right Fling.
• Never agree to meet someone at a convenience store. It never works. They always run. Trust me.
• Don’t be dishonest in your profile. Don’t be generic, either. Let your personality shine through. Most dating websites give excellent tips on writing a great profile-take advantage. Part Deux will be on profile perfection.
• Know how to spot the freaks. Anyone who refuses to show you a picture, talk on the phone or meet you in public is a big NO! For the most part, Internet dating is safe. Just be sure to tell someone where you are going to be, and make sure it is a well-lit, public place.
• Lastly, don’t limit yourself to just meeting people online. Be sure to go out to dinner, have a drink at a cool bar, and frequent an art gallery you enjoy. Sticking only to online dating can cause mindless hours sitting in front of a computer scanning worthless profiles that you’ll never even contact. Get out and have a little fun!

The bottom line is this: Make sure you connect with someone on more than just a sexual level. Engage them in good conversation and find out if they can hold their own. Build a relationship rather than expecting it to happen overnight. Get to know this person you met in Cyber Land. Otherwise, you’ll end up like “Miss Blondie,” in a cyber world trying to figure out all the rules, or like “Mr. Fling”, with seventeen STD’s and twenty kids by twenty-five women.

With the unfamiliar voice on the other end, my stomach started flipping over and rolling around; I was nervous. It was almost a week later, and I had kind of forgotten I had given him my number. Well, he was nice enough to remind me who he was, even though I knew who he was, because as I recall, he told me I was “pretty wasted, and probably wasn’t going to remember having even talked to him.” Ha, I wasn’t that wasted; I remembered. Most of it anyway.

“Number 10: Wait three days before calling back The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it. Prove that you can by keeping it cool, and resisting the urge to follow up on a meeting too promptly. Just make sure not to wait longer than a few days to call back, or she may cool off entirely.”

I remember standing at the front door of the bar, digging in my little black clutch for my driver’s license, while trying to maneuver a cigarette with only my lips, I spotted him; not too tall, not too stocky, dirty blonde hair: he was just my type. My first words to him were, “can you smoke in there?” Real classy, I know. And to my surprise and delight, smoking had yet to be banned in Illinois. Score! He proceeded to laugh at me and inquire about where I could possibly have come from where smoking was not allowed. Well, I’m not from Mars, just Minnesota, but pretty much every other state had banned smoking in the six months prior to my trip downtown. So one can imagine, I was looking forward to enjoying more drinks with a cigarette in hand.

In an effort to slow myself down, I fetched a glass of water and had a slurred conversation with bartender number 1. Somehow we exchanged condensed life stories, decided we had enough in common and I did something I have never done before; I gave him my phone number. And I made sure he knew it was a 763 area code, not the 773 area code found in the Chicago suburbs. Clearly, I was desperate for this 24 year-old, bouncer who had yet to graduate from college, and was currently living at home with his parents, to call me.

We chatted on the phone for maybe two minutes total, the whole time, I was shocked this guy even called me. I don’t think I would have called the guy who was oozing alcohol out of every pore of his body while spilling vodka tonic on the bar and chain smoking. But that’s just me. So after making awkward small talk, while apologizing for my drunkenness, he asked me for a date for the following week to go and have coffee and desert. Maybe drinking has more benefits than I thought.

So when is the appropriate time to call after meeting someone? A day later: too eager. Ten days: clearly he has nothing better to do. Maybe six days is pretty good. It all ends up being a big game anyway. When to call, and even whether or not to call at all. In this technology obsessed world, text messaging has almost replaced calling. Since when did it become okay to send a text to invite someone out to dinner, instead of picking up the phone and making that awkward first call? I prefer the awkwardness. It makes me feel like the guy I am about to go out with, is just a nervous as I am. The awkwardness becomes the comforting norm. Who cares if he called two days later or a week later, I guess I will just be happy he called at all.