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When do we begin to put a title on what we are doing?

When do you officially call yourself boyfriend and girlfriend? In one of my few serious, long term relationships with the Trust Fund baby turned military brat, we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend the week after we started dating. The week we started dating was the first week we had ever met. Granted, this is probably the only time I can attest to the truth behind the love at first sight theory, since I saw him and instantly fell for him. He took me to meet his grandparents the second weekend we had known each other. He bought me a ring for my birthday two months after that. And by Christmas time, we were thinking engagement rings. However, it was a little premature, since we hit the 14 - month marker and then spent the next six months breaking up. We were together for over a year though.

There was my boyfriend from eleventh grade, the guy who asked me to prom, then asked me out on our first date. In fact, he asked me to prom, moments before some one else was about to ask me, and we had never even spoken before. He was a senior who had just come to school that year after his dad was transferred from North Carolina. He was a tall, olive skinned, handsome, basketball player. Even though we had never really spoken before, I still agreed to go with him to prom. The following weekend we went out on a date. And three months later, we were still dating. On our three - month anniversary, after a picnic in his basement, since there was a 120 degree heat index outside, we lost our virginities together. I don’t know exactly when we started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but when one of his sisters came to visit early into our relationship, he called me his girlfriend.

“1950’s: Dating began earlier, in the junior high schools. Normally, these younger teens would meet in groups, then pair off with each other. More earnest dating would occur in high school, and ‘going steady’ became popular. Going steady brought new rituals to the scene, the exchange of tokens (class rings, pins), telephone calls and dates each week, and greater sexual intimacy. Most youth would go steady numerous times in high school, each entailing strong affection and love for the partner” (www.geocities.com).

Mr. Martini on the other hand, refused to put terms on what we were doing for the whole time we were “dating” or whatever. I flew to New York to visit him. We talked on the phone for hours at a time, every day. We were sleeping only with each other. Wouldn’t that mean we were dating? I would ask him over and over what we were doing. Were we dating or not? He never really responded to me, other than the “we are something, not nothing” comment. What does that mean anyway? We are more together than not? I need limits. Without limits, I don’t know what I can and cannot do; what is acceptable behavior and what is not. He didn’t like to set boundaries, for anything really. So over the course of our three-month romantic courtship, I never knew what we were doing or what our title was. Just that we were “something.”

Similar to Mr. Martini is Bartender Number 2 / my current love interest. We have been doing this dating-like thing for four months. We spend all our spare time together, we are only sleeping with each other, we hold hands, we go places together, we sleep together six of seven nights a week. So when I asked him a few weeks ago what he would say we are doing, he said we were “dating but not boyfriend and girlfriend.” The only time he has actually called me his girlfriend was when it was easier to say that, then have to explain to some one the exact situation we are in. Same for me; I call him my boyfriend because it is easier than trying to explain what we are. Just “dating” I guess.

So then when is the right time to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend? A week? A month? After the first time you sleep together? Never? I think it really depends on the guy. And it is probably safe to say, most girls would like to be called the girlfriend, rather than just some girl you are sleeping with. Personally, I think the relationship will last longer if boundaries, limits, and titles are set. Otherwise, no one would officially be with another person; we would all just sleep with each other and say we are “dating.”