There are few things more destructive to a relationship than the Green Eyed Monster (GEM). The GEM is powerful, angry and destructive. It creeps up and bites you in the rump shaker at the worst moments, normally without expectation. Unless you are polyamorous (and sometimes even if you are) the GEM is just something that must be tamed because it’s very hard to kill. The beast tends to find you when you’re at your weakest point, the moment when you feel the least secure. It actually feeds on that insecurity as if it was a meal prepared from the greatest of chefs.

Of course, some situations are easier to handle than others. Infatuation and/or new relationships often make this worse. In a new relationship, there’s already some reason to be less certain of how the relationship will work out (you know the person less well.) Now add in the fact that you are perhaps a bit obsessed with your new partner and you can easily see how it could be more difficult to maintain a sense of safety early on. Since we tend to become more secure in relationships as they become more stable with time, you may find that sometimes, time is your ally in dealing with the GEM.

Okay, let’s say you’ve found that the GEM has a hold on you. It’s not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it? One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. The GEM is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse. Address those issues with care and you’ll be much better for it. I have always tried to use the “let’s not go to sleep with unresolved issues” rule and it has saved me several times in regards to the GEM. Just remember that empathy goes a long way in this issue. You may not agree with the feelings the GEM stirs in your partner, but understanding why they arose is essential.

So what’s to be done, how can we fight the GEM? One part of the answer is simple but challenging…trust. It cures what ails the GEM much like a salve on a wound. It also allows peace of mind when you need it. It’s the glue that can bind what appears to be weak. Like the NBA, trust is Fantastic.

My best personal example is from the first girl I dated while in college. I was dating one of the few girls that liked to dance even more than I did. We’d been dancing for quite a while and I thought we could both use a drink. I left the floor to get them and she stayed on the floor dancing her heart out. While I was gone, some guys stepped to her, probably thinking that if I could leave her there I wasn’t her man. My buddy said I should go out there and let them know what was up. Show them that she was with me and that wasn’t going to change no matter what they tried to pull. I looked at her the way I do and pushed aside the initial pings of the GEM. As that feeling subsided, I sipped my drink and simply said (in my best Humphrey Bogart moment ever) “They can think whatever they want. I know who she’s going home with.”

What made me so confident was that I knew where her heart was. It’s hard to fight the initial feelings that come up, but a quick thought told me the simple truth…she loved me. As long as I could trust that knowledge I could be secure in my position with her. I drowned the GEM in trust and was better for it.

A quick post script to that story, as soon as the next song was done, she politely left the guys that were dancing around her, walked straight over and laid a perfect kiss on me. The rewards of trust are plentiful. Use them.