Crushes are usually synonymous with adolescence; cute boys named Jake from algebra, that poster of Christian Slater from Tiger Beat in your best friend’s locker, or those giddy feelings freshman girls have for their first slightly attractive, bearded Literature professor.

Well, I’m here to tell you what you already know: that crushes live on long after your braces come off and you start dodging your student loan lender. People usually don’t want to acknowledge they have crushes – after all, we’re adults now, we’re through playing those stupid games – if you like someone, you’ll tell them, because that’s what adults do. Except that when it comes to crushes, we are suddenly thrown back into our adolescence again; the hormones take over and we become stupefied by feelings we don’t understand, so of course we wouldn’t admit that.

Having a crush is different than falling in love, though – falling in love usually involves two people, while crushes are almost always one-sided. They’re kinda like real relationships in a way: how you first fall for someone, then coast through the middle area where things seem so great, before becoming embittered/bored and ending it all… except that the other person who has occupied every thought for the past few weeks was never really aware that they were ever in the relationship with you at all, you crazy psycho. And here we thought we’d gone through that whole self-discovery thing, only to find that the primordial forces that impose doe-eyed gazes and longing sighs have simply been lying dormant in the pits of our stomachs, ready to awaken and make us feel like complete idiots all over again.

For the 99.99% of us who have ever had a crush (and the .01% of you who are in denial about it), you know that you don’t all of a sudden wake up one day and realize that you have a crush. It’s a delicately timed process. Like cooking in an Easy-Bake oven.

Stage One: “Hey, I Never Really Realized How Cute ____ is…”

This is where the veil lifts and you have finally chosen to acknowledge what you were probably feeling for a while but didn’t realize it. Crushes make us all foggy-headed idiots, don’t forget. Something as simple as a comment from a friend, or a simple moment where you and your crush quote the same movie at the same time can set the Love Train a-rollin’.

This stage is where you find yourself gazing more than usual at your newly-acquired target, studying how they walk, talk, dress, brush their hair, etc. If they were to catch you staring, though, you look away out of embarrassment – they mustn’t know how hot you think they are! This stage is also referred to as the “These Blinders Are So Stylish” stage. That weird habit your crush has of leaving their nail clippings all over their desk at work? Adorable. The way they drink too much and fall over on the sidewalk before puking on your shoes? Irresistible. That funky smell in their car? What smell?

Your friends hate you during this stage, by the way. They don’t care how cute your crush looks in that shirt.

Stage Two: “Googling Their Name Doesn’t Count as Stalking, Does It?”

Before the days of Google (hard to imagine, I know), this stage was formally known as the “Ask Everyone You Know to Find Out Whatever They Can About ___” stage. These days, though, who hasn’t Googled someone? You’ve done it to yourself, of course, but admit it – you’ve typed in that old flame’s name, just to see what pops up, even though the results are a lot like what happens when I Google myself: a few pages on a girl on the Varsity Basketball team in a town I’ve never heard of, a few pages in Spanish, one in Ukranian, and one with an obituary of someone who died of a weird disease that I hope I never get.

Anyway, stage two is where you hopefully discover something that can be the basis of your next conversation with this new love. Ideally, you find that you have something in common, which is of course what makes people fall in love with each other and live happily every after. “Oh, you’re from Oregon? I’m from New York! Isn’t it funny how we’re both from the United States!” or “You had a dog? That’s amazing, my friend has a dog!” You are on your way to catching your love, my dear readers. …That is, if you can summon the power to actually speak to your crush, which leads me to…

Stage Three: “…Uh…hi…heh…” (aka the “’I Carried a Watermelon’” stage)

Let’s face it: human beings have only had the gift of speech for a few million years, and in that time, we’ve gone from grunting and pounding our chests to the eloquence of Shakespeare back to the regressive vernacular of chatsp33k and tYpiNg liek diS zomg lmao. So it’s reasonable to assume that once in a while, we won’t understand each other, or be at a loss for words. While the movies would have you believe that men suffer from tongue-tied-ness more often than women, it happens just as often to us. I was once in the presence of a man so attractive that I literally couldn’t form words when he looked at me. And when some other ladies joined me, we all just stood there, dumbfounded, until this man left our presence. It was ridiculous, but that’s how it was. Just forget being able to speak like a normal human being to your crush, at least at first. Accept that you’ll most likely regret most of what you say the moment it leaves your lips.

Let your crush do most of the talking. After all, this is the stage where everything your crush says is absolutely hilarious. They should really be a stand-up comedian, you think, as you listen to them recite their favorite stand-up comedian’s act word-by-word, much to your delight, even if half the jokes aren’t even funny. Stage three is also when you tell everyone the minute details that add up to proof of your crush having feelings for you in return. Did you see that accidental bump of the arm? Not an accident, you insist! That compliment about your hair? Declaration of love. The only reason they haven’t presented you with a ring is because they don’t know your finger size.

Savor stage three, dear readers; it’s as good as it gets.

Stage Four: “What the *#%$ Did I Ever See in You??”

If you haven’t married your crush by now, you’ve probably noticed that not much has taken place in the romance department, aside from all of those “accidental” arm brushes. It’s in stage four that your brain finally does away with the love chemicals and unleashes a stream of good ol’ reality into your system. One day, you just realize: your crush does not love you.

This is an awkward stage. Sometimes crushes can pick up on your vibes, especially if you’re more than overt about your feelings, but most of the time, they don’t have the faintest idea that you’d love them better than anyone in the world, if they only gave you the chance, of course.

Stage four is a strange mixture of anger, resentment, and heartbreak. And confusion as well, if you count the way your crush reacts after being on the receiving end of your giant dose of standoffishness the next time you meet. They deserve it, after all, for not falling madly in love with you, and if they can’t pick up on that, that’s their problem. Plus, you’re tired of finding nail clippings on your desk, and that funk in their car is damn near unbearable.

Watching them from afar – out of the corner of your eye, of course – you’re not only pissed off that your love is unrequited, but also heartbroken that your crush will never know your love, or you theirs. And if they happen to acquire a girl or boyfriend during stages one through three, the angst generated by this is enough to fill that whole blog of yours with ten-page, ALL CAPS vents about what a PRICK your crush is and how could you have EVER LIKED THEM especially in that UGLY SHIRT fucking hell!

But, moving on…

Stage Five: “It’s Not Really Your Fault For Not Loving Me”

Like the stages of grief, stage five echoes those same lessons of acceptance and resolution. You finally forgo the hairy eyeballs for more subtle, yet slightly loaded glances, and can once again be in the presence of your crush without wanting to cry or punch them in the face. Pretty soon, they’re back to being just a regular person again. Of course, there are residual effects. Months and even years later, you may still harbor the slightest spark of interest for your ex-crush, but it’s never quite the same.

In the end, it’s really your crush’s loss for missing out on loving you, and with time, your brain will slowly forget how absolutely insane you’ve been acting, thus insuring that you’ll do it all again soon.

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