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Now I have been dumped on many occasion. Too many to list actually. I’ve gotten the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. I’ve gotten the “I don’t think we have the same long-term goals” speech. “I only date Black women.” “I prefer someone a little more physically fit.” “I’m still in love with my ex.” “I can’t be with a girl that doesn’t want to have children.” “I don’t want to risk the friendship.” “I see you as a sister.” Yes…I’ve heard all these fucking lame excuses. And just when I thought I’d heard them all…I get this in my inbox:

“Dear Janie, I have come to the conclusion that I am completely unable to have a real relationship on account of being a sex and masturbation addict.”

End quote. What the fuck??? Imagine my reaction when I got this email. Let’s forget about the fact that it came in a fucking email. (Note to self…never end a relationship via the internet. It’s really bad.) But honestly, now I think I’ve heard the motherload. So I am going to take this opportunity to publicly respond to the asshole that broke up with me, via the internet, because he enjoys getting off.

Dear Fuckface,

You are a fucking fuckface. I hate to refer to the Greg Behrendt book, but if you’re just not that into me, than fucking just say it. Dear Janie…I’m just not that into you. To which I would have responded…thank you fuckface, for keepin’ it real.

I’m sure you thought I would respect such brutal honestly on your behalf. But while we’re being “brutally honest,” this is the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard in my life. First off, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with masturbation. I love masturbating. Who the fuck doesn’t? I keep a fucking pocket rocket with me at all times! (True story.) Do you think I would honestly care if you did this excessively? Hell, I’d just want to watch. Masturbate all you want. Watch porn. Do it when I’m around, when I’m not around…do it in front of me…do it on me. I don’t care. So you can’t break up with me because you’re addicted to masturbating. Enough said.

Now, for the sex addict part. There’s a fine line between a sex addict and a really horny man. I’m fine with both. I have never…I repeat NEVER…been with a man who wants to have sex as much as, or more than me. So if anyone should be dating a sex addict, it’s me. (What a proud moment…) I understand that this probably also means you would like to have multiple partners. Who the fuck cares? Just ask. You never even asked. Truly, I love you so much that I would pretty much allow anything in our relationship. Pathetic, yes…but true. You didn’t even give me a chance to accept you and your alleged “issues.”

So in conclusion Dear Fuckface, basically your excuse does not stand up. You need to either come up with a new one, or get the fuck over here and put your money where your mouth is. Or in this case, your cock.

-Janie