Most late night coffee conversations I have with my best friend Chris revolve around women in our lives, or in my case, either the abundance of or the lack thereof. One such conversation led us to what I look for in a woman that I consider to be long term relationship material. Of course, there were quite a few specifics, like she should respect family values, be secure in herself, be older than my most expensive bottle of single malt scotch, have no warrants or at least not in state, etc. But Chris, through his expertise in eastern philosophy, interpersonal relationships, and stand up comedy, made an enlightened generalization that adequately sums up what I‘m looking for…

A good woman with a teaspoon of ho. Finding a good woman is easy in the sense that most women have goodness in them, but the search becomes difficult when the specifics come into play. For example, if she hugs my mom when she meets her, doesn’t swear in front of my niece and nephew, chews her food with her mouth closed, and brushes her teeth on a regular basis, chances are she has enough merit for me to consider her worthy, but it takes a lot more getting-to-know-each-other time before we start giving up Sunday football for picking out sofa and loveseat combinations. Another man, however, may want a woman that’s willing to look at fabric swatches and oriental rugs with him, and that’s his criteria for a good woman (or “partner” as the case may likely be). Much like the term “well hung”, the definition of “a good woman” is completely subjective, unique to every man or woman, and relative to the (ahem) size of quality and character experienced in past relationships.

But having a teaspoon of ho is very specific and quantifiable, and is the more difficult character aspect to find. It’s like the splash of vanilla in a batch of oatmeal cookies, the pinch of rosemary on a baked salmon filet, or the dash of barbeque sauce in a pot of chili (my secret ingredient). One who has trained and refined his tastes will notice and appreciate the added seasoning and flavor of ho. It’s that subtle teaspoon that takes something or someone you love and gives it that extra zing, that special touch, that happy ending, making her mouthwatering and addicting like those crack-glazed doughnuts (you know the ones).

The most common inquiry to my teaspoon of ho idea is, “How much ho is a teaspoon full?” The first step then is to define a “ho”. In my research of hoes (I mean looking up hoes online…I mean the word “ho”…nevermind) I’ve learned that there are way too many people with too much time on their hands, posting their definitions of ho on the internet, and yet I plan on joining them for my explanatory purposes. Most say that a ho, an urban slang contraction or short form of the word “whore”, is simply a woman who has sex or has had sex with a large quantity of men, either one or several at a time. Some go on further to say that a ho receives money or material goods for sexual services, requires a pimp as an employer, includes both men and women in there sexual experiences, will only wear underwear when completely necessary, does this thing with her tongue, and so on. One person said a ho is someone of Chinese decent whose name means “people of the river”, but that definition serves no purpose here unless that Chinese person of the river is a woman who has sex or has had sex with a large quantity of men. For my purpose, I’ll go with that definition (not the Chinese part, just the lots of sex part).

In addition, my explanation requires me to focus on one of the positive aspects of being a ho. Although the word implies more negative connotations, there are benefits and advantages in the ho field. Hoes get to have a lot of sex and spend most of their workday in bed, they meet new and interesting people every few days, and they have great medical and dental with 401K options after six months, just to name a few. The positive aspect relative to my explanation is that a ho is very good at sex and sexual acts. Much like a master chef who prepares a menu of her specialties, a ho displays her skill and expertise through years of training and experience, and may also use a variety of utensils and sauces.

So for this purpose, if my definition of a ho is a woman who’s become great at sex through past and continuous experience, then a teaspoon of ho means a woman has just enough sexual experience to display talent in bed without the cavalier history or ongoing promiscuity. Herein lies the difficulty in finding such a balance in a woman.

Some women have way more than a teaspoon, and for some guys, it’s cool. If you want a woman that has cup, bowl, bottle, or gas tank full of ho, that’s your preference. Personally, knowing that a woman gangbanged her archeology professors in the lecture hall or watching her peel off condoms stuck to the front of her thong and the back of her neck would make that woman less attractive to me, but again, that’s just my preference. It’s like putting too much barbeque sauce in the chili, ruining the batch and leaving a bad taste in your mouth. And like eating bad chili, not only will too much ho leave a bad taste in your mouth, she may also cause severe illness, burning sensations, and a trip to the hospital to run some tests.

At the opposite end, some women have much less than a teaspoon of ho, if any at all. Given all the bad press that hoes get in the media, this may seem to be an appealing characteristic. But again, we lose that wow factor, that subtle flavor, that hamburger helper that changes a nice decent sexual intercourse session into a fucking amazing night or day or lunch or flight or concert or oil change or whatever. If you feel you don’t need that kind of sex life, that’s fine. You can also get a steak at Denny’s if you want to, but it won’t be anything like the New York Strip at Gibson’s.

The least of all the evils is a woman that has just a teaspoon of ho, but hides it because logically and ironically, she doesn’t want men to think that she’s a ho. This is the good woman that I’m looking for in the first place, with morals and values and a sense of self worth, but she doesn’t want to be looked at as a mere sex object or sexual deviant, afraid of attracting one nighters instead of long terms. If you’re one of these women, realize that having just a teaspoon of ho makes you more attractive and desirable for long term relationships. It’s the perfect amount of an alter ego that will keep a man intrigued and interested without pissing him off or freaking him out. As a bonus, its fun for men to discover the ho in you and help bring it out of you, or as I like to call it, pulling a Lohan.

Despite my explanation, no matter what’s said between a man and a woman, it’s still all talk until something physical happens. The reality is that we can’t really know how much ho is in a woman until we get to know her better and try to get to her naughty parts. We can’t know if there’s too much or too little vanilla or rosemary until we actually taste the finished dish or we’ve taken part in creating the recipe. As someone who likes to cook and likes to eat, I’m always searching for favorite dishes, interesting flavors, and great experiences. And as someone who likes to love and be loved, the search is the same, and therein lies both the fun and the frustration of finding the right woman for me.

So the search continues, as does the conversations with Chris over late night cups of coffee, good coffee with light cream and a teaspoon of sugar, just the right amount that lets me enjoy every sip of every cup.

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