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After being sick for nearly a week I finally decided to take a day off of work. While lying on the couch waiting for my next coughing fit I turned on the TV to get my mind off my misery. After a quick scan of the channels I found nothing to my liking and the channel surfing ceased as another coughing fit overwhelmed me. When I stopped coughing I heard the following words, “Sex is no longer important.” My interest peaked, I set the controller down.

Over the next half hour I was horrified. The program centered on the authors of a new book about keeping a happy marriage after a child is born. The bulk of the program consisted of a group of new mothers talking about why they don’t feel like having sex with their husbands since having a child. There was also a group of new fathers talking about how they had a funeral for their sex lives shortly after having their first child. What horrified me most about the program was that I already knew what they were talking about.

At the age of twenty eight I have several friends who have gone from drinking buddy passed out on my couch to responsible father. I’ve had the opportunity to speak to these men before, during, and after the marriage process and with some of them before and after having a child. From all the men I’ve known in my life, friends, relatives, co-workers, bartenders, whoever, I have learned two things. If sex is in any way important to you:

1. Never get married.
2. Never have children.

Although I don’t have children, several men have described to me the process a man goes through after having a child. All of these descriptions are similar and include the following:

1. Your wife gets pregnant.
2. The sex understandably drops off.
3. By the end of her pregnancy you’re both now “Used” to not having sex for over a month at a time.
4. The child is born and the time commitment of a new born is exhausting. If you’re lucky you have sex with in the first three months of your child’s birth.
5. You can count the number of times you’ve had sex in the last HALF YEAR on one hand.
6. Your child now is old enough to sleep long enough for you to get your grove on. You want sex so bad it becomes a regular conversation between you and your wife and she routinely “Doesn’t have the energy,” “Has a headache,” “Isn’t feeling up to it,” or filibusters with conversation about bills, the child, the house, etc. until it’s too late or she’s too tired to have sex.
7. Up until now all stories have been nearly identical but here is where they tend to differ depending on the wife’s personality. If the wife is an emotional person than check out 7A. If the wife’s a reasonable understanding person than check out 7B.
   1. She’s emotional: Your constant requests for sex turn into quick arguments or her breaking down and crying. She uses a combination of crying to change the topic and yelling to prevent you from bringing it up again.
   2. She’s reasonable: You explain how much the lack of sex effects you and how it’s an important part of the relationship. She says she’ll try harder and eventually becomes semi-psychic by giving you sex just moments before you’re about to have “The final talk.” You discuss going to a therapist, changing birth control, changing diet, and other options to change her lack of sex drive but she never has time because of the child and/or work.
8. After enough time you’re mentally and emotionally beaten to the point of looking forward to your birthday because there’s a 75% chance you’ll actually have sex. Of course at that point you may be a combination of desensitized and bitter making you sexually prefer your porn to your wife.

While writing this article I called and interviewed several of my friends who are married with children. I’m sure some people will dismiss this as me having a few friends who are in unfortunate circumstances but all my life I’ve known men who told me the same story. Whether it’s a cousin, a friend, a brother, I’ve heard the same story dozens of times, as has every man. Each of my friends even admits that before having children (Or in one cases just after announcing they were having a child) they had men with children coming out of the wood work to make jokes and welcome them into a life of sexlessness.When researching this topic I found that nearly every site, study, and periodical had the same cause at the top of the list for decreased sex drive. Stress. Stress causes impotence, decrease in sexual desire, and dozens of other undesirable emotional and psychological responses that can kill a sex life. That said arguably the most stressful thing a person can do is have or raise a child.

If you pay attention to your friends, family, and scientific fact, you’re left with a single choice. (Barring the rare exception to the rule.) You can have a child or you can have a sex life, but you can’t have both.