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I’ve been tearing myself up inside for years because of a need I have to be more “physically perfect” than I am. I’m not grossly overweight, but for some reason, I have this problem with the way I look. Sometimes I think this is because I’d like to picture myself as eventually fleshing out to look like one of those She Hulk types…The strange dreams we have for our appearances, eh? I don’t necessarily want grossly bulging muscles, but it’d be really nice to be ubertone and in the fittest of health. For some reason, I never seem to be able to achieve this. From time to time, I ask myself, “Is this because I lack the motivation? The Drive? Or is it the fact that I’m simply lazy as hell, and my body hasn’t gotten to the point where I’m completely disgusted with it yet?” Or is it something more sinister?

Since I was a kid, I was always a “little overweight” in mind, if not in body as well. I remember myself as this chubby, unattractive, scared little girl that nobody wanted to play with. I had some pretty severe hurdles to overcome to become the ravishing beauty that I am today…And I still have more to overcome, because I still can’t say that last sentence with a straight face. Always clowning around to compensate for what I perceived as being not quite hideous, but just off enough for everybody in the room to notice, I joked my way through every possibly embarrassing situation. Hiding my feelings from those around me (very well, I might add…I AM a Scorpio, after all), I’d wait until I was sure I was alone, then I’d take the mental bat out and beat myself over and over, telling myself that I was never going to be good enough…for friends…for family…for love. I was always going to be “just ugly enough” for nobody to want anything to do with me. For years I played the old pity party for all it was worth, thinking it was actually doing me some good…more fool me.

I punished myself with a slew of people that were pretty on the outside, but REALLY ugly on the inside. I’d hang out with them and let them make derisive comments about me, my appearance and basically anything else about me that they could find intolerable. I couldn’t figure out why they kept me around, seeing as how they hated me so damn much…until one day, I woke up and realized that they were keeping me below them so they could appear better to themselves, and in the eyes of their shallow, ignorant peers. And worse, I was starting to do this to people around me to keep myself from feeling like a complete waste of human skin. I don’t remember exactly what pulled my head out of my ass about this, but most of it came about when I met other people like me that had put themselves through the same psychological wringer. We shared stories, and cried, and laughed, and became very close through our mutual bond of self debasing behavior. I honestly don’t know what kind of person I would have turned out to be if something hadn’t intervened and decided to put me where I could find people that related to me.

Now, today at 31, I still look in the mirror and sometimes see that chubby little girl, awkwardly trying to sham the world by appearing beautiful at times. “Sure, you can dress her up, but can you take her out?” I’ve got a way to go, still…but I can look back and see how far I’ve come. I no longer bow down to the ascribed aesthetic of society. I’m not thin, but rubinesque. I’m not “normal”, but I have my own look and my own sense of dignity and will NOT tolerate anybody telling me that I look this way to “get attention”. That’s BULLSHIT. Why can’t people understand that I’m honestly COMFORTABLE looking the way I do? Everybody’s gotta see it as “covering up for the fact that she can’t hack it in the ‘real world’ of beauty”. Fuck that. Every day, I reclaim who I am because I won’t back down about my appearance. I’m always trying to get other people to see that just because I appear different (and c’mon folks…I’m not freaky at ALL compared to the mansonites out there) it doesn’t mean that I don’t bleed the same…I may see the world differently, and live my life differently, but in the grand scheme of things, what really matters? WHO YOU ARE INSIDE. You don’t have to dress “normal”, be thin, have huge tits, have the perfect body, the perfect face or the perfect wardrobe. You just have to overcome the struggle not to spit at that image you look at in the mirror everyday. Try to be a little kinder to yourself about the way you look. And take a good HARD LOOK at the people around you that complain or berate you about your appearance. Do they have the perfect life? Or are they so busy tricking everybody into thinking that they do, that they sit at home alone crying quietly because of the trap of lies they’ve created for themselves?

Don’t believe the hype. Personality is an amazing presence and will more than make up for any “faults” you think you may have. Before you go trying to look like everybody else, getting implants, raising those cheekbones or getting that fat sucked out, think about the things that make you uniquely who you are. Each and every one of us has something wonderful to offer the world around us. You just need to learn how to do it “your way” instead of being a sheep and following everybody else. Cultivate your personality. “Beautiful people” only get to hang out with other extremely boring “beautiful people”. People with personality and intelligence get so much more out of life because they see beyond the shell that it has to offer.

You’re not alone in your fear and loneliness…I was once there myself. Trust me…there are LOTS of people going through the same thing. Just in different ways. The only way to get through it is to reach out and smash the image that everybody else wants you to be. Be yourself and more importantly, be TRUE to yourself. Fuck people if they’re uncomfortable with that.