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Let me start by saying I’m a loser. I’m short, fat, balding, and aside from a vast collection of Star Gate DVD’s, I have nearly nothing to offer a member of the opposite sex.

My name is Mike, and I don’t want to be your friend.

I’ve been rejected more times than I can count. I’m no stranger to the, “I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back,” or the, “Eighty dollar, anything you want.” Wait forget that last part, the point is whether it’s a subtle brush off or being outright ignored I can handle rejection. What I can’t handle is a woman who wraps sex around a hook in the hopes of reeling in a new, “Friend.”

When a guy approaches a woman in a bar he’s not looking for a new pal to see Jackass 2. Too often his honest pursuit for physical companionship is met by a devious woman peddling the false hope of sex in exchange for a Corona. If he’s lucky he’ll get off paying for a drink or two and she’ll move on to pray upon another innocent guy. If he’s not so lucky he’ll get her phone number and begin the slow torture that is the intentional lead on.

When a man sees a woman across the bar and decides to approach her it’s not because he thinks she looks like a fun person with whom to watch a 7th Heaven marathon. Any woman who would flirt with him and accept a drink falls in one of two categories, retarded naive or deceptive manipulative bitch. Take your pick. If you meet a man in a bar, party, or social event, he’s not looking for a friend. Most men have few female friends, but most (If not all) of those friends fall into one of two categories.

Category 1: Required Contact (AKA “So I guess we’ll be sharing this cubicle”)

These are women that guys were required to spend some time around regardless of their personal desire. These women are co-workers, classmates, or the girlfriend or sister of a friend, etc.

Category 2: The missed shot (AKA “Why aren’t we fucking yet?”)

These are women guys were trying to screw and messed up. 99% of the time they’re still trying to figure some way to make it work, sometimes even years later. “Maybe if I help her move into her new apartment she’ll notice me.” Yea you and the other four guys helping out that are trying to bone her. Or my personal favorite, “Once they get divorced I am so in!” If you’re a woman who doesn’t think this is true ask any male friend you have who doesn’t fit into category 1 if he’ll have sex with you and bask in my glorious wisdom.

To make matters worse I think that many women know this. I approached a woman in a bar who spent the next three hour talking to me while drinking Apple Martini’s I bought for her. Just after last call was announced and she was finishing the last drink I bought for her she mentioned her boyfriend. She knew that if she mentioned having a boyfriend when I first approached her she wouldn’t have gotten the attention or the drinks.

By the age of 27 even I have several friends. I don’t need more but if I was to make more it wouldn’t be some woman I was trying to sleep with who tricked me into a friendship.