Just because I don’t have any romantic involvements, or go looking for them, doesn’t mean that I am not acquainted with the ritual of having a romantic relationship. In fact, all of my friends my age are in relationships. Various stages of relationship mind you, but nonetheless, they all have “steadys”. So I have an opportunity to see the dance of romance from a safe distance and marvel at what people will go through, do to themselves and their chosen “mate” to not be alone. Speaking as an objective observer, I feel there is one point I can not stress enough to people in couples: Your partner is not going to change for you.

Observation #1.
I have one girlfriend who is with someone I completely disapprove of. He drinks. And when he drinks, he’s verbally abusive. Now I know what you’re thinking. Since the dawn of Oprah, every woman in America should know what verbal abuse is. That a mate doesn’t have to lay his or her hands on you to treat you like a punching bag. But this friend falls in love easily and they have talked marriage. He keeps promising to get counseling. (Not AA though, because they take your name and keep track of you on a list. And I always thought the second “A” stood for anonymous.)

But I digress.

He keeps promising to stop drinking. And she keeps believing him. And they go around and around and around. I have been there for three of their “breaks”, when he needs space and everything is her fault and as soon as he’s sober, she (my friend) will talk some sense into him. After all, he’s only mean when he’s drinking.

I tried to explain to her that he is a person who will not take responsibility for anything. This is why he won’t get into a program, counseling or otherwise – he’s still promising – and why she will have to break up with him.

But she won’t. She will hang on and support him and they will work it out.

A friend, not of my age and not in a relationship, told me that I enable her to stay by listening, just like she enables him to continue to drink by forgiving him again and again.

So I stopped listening. And she stopped calling. And he’s still drinking. We are still very good friends, but I decided the advice I got was dead on. As much as I love, I can’t help her hang on to him.

Selfish, or smart. I’ll let you decide.

Observation #2.
A friend has been dating the same guy for a decade and she has finally talked him into getting serious. Mistake number one in my opinion. If she has to talk him into it, he doesn’t want it.

But, I digress.

They “get serious” and plan the date. She mentions in passing that she has told her mate that if he cheats, she will leave him. I’m wondering why she keeps asking him that if in the same breathe she says she doesn’t think he is. (I’m thick sometimes, of course she thought he was.)

I have never seen this particular girlfriend cry. At least not until this ceremony draw closer. And of course she found out what she was always suspected. But for the longest time, she thought that a commitment meant he would be faithful. Why would she think that? A dog is a dog and will fuck whatever it has the urge to stick his cock into. A child is a child, and will lie without hesitation if it means not getting caught. Her mate was both. Unfortunately, I liked that one. He seemed to want to grow up for my girlfriend, but never succeeded. He wanted to stay a big kid. And he has.

Sobriety. Recovery. Honesty. All these character traits come from a place of self love. A partner has to want those things for themselves, not for you. You should want to be with someone who is capable of self-love rather than self-loathing. Maybe your mate does love you enough to change self-destructive behavior just for you. But understand, and I’ll say this a lot, that’s the exception, not the rule.

It is said that people who love deeply and lose that love are more likely to love deeply again. I’m inclined to believe that, because my second friend actually did. But first you have to draw a line and be prepared to walk away if it is crossed.

I am fairly certain that is why I never date for very long. My boundaries are clear. I won’t lower my standards just so I won’t be alone. I’m better than that. I deserve better. We all do.

Last 5 posts by Keisha7

• Commitment - February 13th, 2007
• Cyber relations - September 9th, 2006
• The coolest wedding ever - September 9th, 2006
• Perpetually Single Girl - August 5th, 2006