One of these two will catch the attention of the other on one dating website or another. They chat casually via instant messenger and flirt shamelessly on the telephone. It is likely that they will engage in cyber-sex before they ever even meet.

They meet. They eat, drink, and have sex. The woman goes home feeling even worse about herself than before. The man sleeps soundly in his bed after a mediocre booty-session with a woman who has obvious self-esteem issues.

That’s about the typical Internet encounter.

I am not the average woman I described above. I am a corporate-kick-ass, get-it-done girl with a good body and a sharp mind. The Internet was NOT the way I planned to meet a man, much less one that would be worth anything.

However, as my career took off, my travel plans expanded to include both coasts and both borders of the States, I sought an alternative to barhopping in every new town I visited. Dating (if you could call it that) over one hundred men in two and a half years, I was a Serial-Cyber-Dater!

My first encounters began in my hometown, before I began traveling. One of the first men I met, I like to refer to as “Urkle.” This man had his pants pulled up under his armpits. His tie was tucked into his waistline. He was wearing mismatched shoes, one blue, and one black. He was about 10 years older than his profile and picture claimed. As if his appearance wasn’t punishment enough, the conversation was even worse. Urkle was boring, thought too highly of himself for being the person he was, and was just a downright asshole. He walked me to my car and went in for the kiss. I suddenly turned my head and he got a mouthful of hair. I jumped into my car and sped out of the parking lot, out of this man’s life.

In Denver, I met a man online and we decided to physically meet at a 7-11. We met; he said he was going to get a soda from the 7-11. I got a business call and had to take it. Twenty minutes later, he hadn’t come back. He never did.

In Wisconsin, I met a BMW salesman. He told me he would take me out the next weekend. I waited. He never showed. He called. “I forgot I had to do my taxes tonight. I can’t take you out.” This was in the middle of July. Soooooo urgent.

Most of my experiences with Internet dating played out like bad dates in a novel. I almost would have preferred having sex with Mr. Fling and feeling awful about myself the next day. Had I known then what I know now, I would have had a much easier time screening the losers from the, well, MVP’s.

Some tips on Internet dating?

• Don’t look for Mr. Marriage. The Internet is full of Mr. Flings and that’s what you’ll find. The good news is that some of the Mr. Flings are really Mr. Marriages. You just have to click with the right Fling.
• Never agree to meet someone at a convenience store. It never works. They always run. Trust me.
• Don’t be dishonest in your profile. Don’t be generic, either. Let your personality shine through. Most dating websites give excellent tips on writing a great profile-take advantage. Part Deux will be on profile perfection.
• Know how to spot the freaks. Anyone who refuses to show you a picture, talk on the phone or meet you in public is a big NO! For the most part, Internet dating is safe. Just be sure to tell someone where you are going to be, and make sure it is a well-lit, public place.
• Lastly, don’t limit yourself to just meeting people online. Be sure to go out to dinner, have a drink at a cool bar, and frequent an art gallery you enjoy. Sticking only to online dating can cause mindless hours sitting in front of a computer scanning worthless profiles that you’ll never even contact. Get out and have a little fun!

The bottom line is this: Make sure you connect with someone on more than just a sexual level. Engage them in good conversation and find out if they can hold their own. Build a relationship rather than expecting it to happen overnight. Get to know this person you met in Cyber Land. Otherwise, you’ll end up like “Miss Blondie,” in a cyber world trying to figure out all the rules, or like “Mr. Fling”, with seventeen STD’s and twenty kids by twenty-five women.

The word “Potential” seems to be used by dating spin doctors to look at a negative trait in a positive light. “Sure he drives a Civic, but he has potential.” “I know he’s just a mechanic, but he has potential.” When a woman says a man has “Potential” what she’s really saying is that she plans on changing him. He might be happy with a modest job, car, and a two bedroom house, but she wants more, and rather than finding someone new she plans on changing the man she has into the man she wants.

If you find yourself in a conversation with a woman talking about your “Potential” know that she’s not giving you a complement, in fact it’s quite an insult. She’s talking about all the things you could be, all the things you aren’t. You might be blinded by her kind nature or disarming approach but the truth is you’re not what she wants. You might think she’s the only one who gave you a chance or that she’s the only one who sees how unique you are. I’ll even admit, she sees something in you that no one else does… someone else.

If a woman says you have potential what she really means is you’re not good enough… yet. Maybe after she badgers you into a career change you’ll make enough money for her. Maybe if she cries and complains enough she’ll emotionally blackmail you to stop going to play poker with the boys. In a relationship with a woman who sees your potential you can only be sure of two things. You’re not what she really wants, and she’s going to try to change you whether you like it or not.

Think about the person who made you happiest in your life. Just picture them smiling or cuddled with you on the couch. Would you ever say that they had potential? Absolutely not, they were what you wanted, they made you happy. If you want to be happy again than avoid the passive aggressive games. Avoid the calculated tears or subtle insults. If a woman tells you that you have potential, leave her and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

Over the next half hour I was horrified. The program centered on the authors of a new book about keeping a happy marriage after a child is born. The bulk of the program consisted of a group of new mothers talking about why they don’t feel like having sex with their husbands since having a child. There was also a group of new fathers talking about how they had a funeral for their sex lives shortly after having their first child. What horrified me most about the program was that I already knew what they were talking about.

At the age of twenty eight I have several friends who have gone from drinking buddy passed out on my couch to responsible father. I’ve had the opportunity to speak to these men before, during, and after the marriage process and with some of them before and after having a child. From all the men I’ve known in my life, friends, relatives, co-workers, bartenders, whoever, I have learned two things. If sex is in any way important to you:

1. Never get married.
2. Never have children.

Although I don’t have children, several men have described to me the process a man goes through after having a child. All of these descriptions are similar and include the following:

1. Your wife gets pregnant.
2. The sex understandably drops off.
3. By the end of her pregnancy you’re both now “Used” to not having sex for over a month at a time.
4. The child is born and the time commitment of a new born is exhausting. If you’re lucky you have sex with in the first three months of your child’s birth.
5. You can count the number of times you’ve had sex in the last HALF YEAR on one hand.
6. Your child now is old enough to sleep long enough for you to get your grove on. You want sex so bad it becomes a regular conversation between you and your wife and she routinely “Doesn’t have the energy,” “Has a headache,” “Isn’t feeling up to it,” or filibusters with conversation about bills, the child, the house, etc. until it’s too late or she’s too tired to have sex.
7. Up until now all stories have been nearly identical but here is where they tend to differ depending on the wife’s personality. If the wife is an emotional person than check out 7A. If the wife’s a reasonable understanding person than check out 7B.
   1. She’s emotional: Your constant requests for sex turn into quick arguments or her breaking down and crying. She uses a combination of crying to change the topic and yelling to prevent you from bringing it up again.
   2. She’s reasonable: You explain how much the lack of sex effects you and how it’s an important part of the relationship. She says she’ll try harder and eventually becomes semi-psychic by giving you sex just moments before you’re about to have “The final talk.” You discuss going to a therapist, changing birth control, changing diet, and other options to change her lack of sex drive but she never has time because of the child and/or work.
8. After enough time you’re mentally and emotionally beaten to the point of looking forward to your birthday because there’s a 75% chance you’ll actually have sex. Of course at that point you may be a combination of desensitized and bitter making you sexually prefer your porn to your wife.

While writing this article I called and interviewed several of my friends who are married with children. I’m sure some people will dismiss this as me having a few friends who are in unfortunate circumstances but all my life I’ve known men who told me the same story. Whether it’s a cousin, a friend, a brother, I’ve heard the same story dozens of times, as has every man. Each of my friends even admits that before having children (Or in one cases just after announcing they were having a child) they had men with children coming out of the wood work to make jokes and welcome them into a life of sexlessness.When researching this topic I found that nearly every site, study, and periodical had the same cause at the top of the list for decreased sex drive. Stress. Stress causes impotence, decrease in sexual desire, and dozens of other undesirable emotional and psychological responses that can kill a sex life. That said arguably the most stressful thing a person can do is have or raise a child.

If you pay attention to your friends, family, and scientific fact, you’re left with a single choice. (Barring the rare exception to the rule.) You can have a child or you can have a sex life, but you can’t have both.