After my latest in a long line of breakups, I was venting to my sister about how shitty it was to be me. I got on the self pity, “I’m a good guy and I deserve better” tangent, but inevitably took it to the jaded, “Fuck it, I just want to be single” direction. I was in no condition to even think about starting something long term. All I wanted to do was to find some honeys and have some fun, making sure the only strings attached were made of candle wicks or bondage rope. I was ready to break out my bottle of Drakkar, pick up my Ralph Lauren from the cleaners, and get in line at the DMD (Department of Mack Daddies) to renew my players license. Her response was, “I hate that.” I asked, “Hate what?”

After my eyes were done rolling and I actually thought about what she said, I had an epiphany. Women like bad boys and nice guys finish last…both cliché, but both hold true in the contemporary dating world. There are thousands of armchair psychoanalysis theories that support and refute both clichés, but for the most part, those theories only explain things without the proposition of a feasible solution. That’s where my epiphany comes in.

Women should find nice guys and bring the bad boy out of them.

Maybe my idea is not that brilliant or original, because that’s what women do anyway. Aside from poor father figures and role models, for the most part, women are the ones that create bad boys in the first place, most commonly in two ways: One is by hurting a man to the point that he becomes bad in order to deal with his pain and take revenge on the female of the species. The other is when so many women want the same man that he develops a superiority complex, making him feel like he has the freedom to do what he pleases within and beyond a relationship, and sadly, most of those women will let him.

I’m not suggesting a woman should take a good man and abuse the fuck out of him until he becomes an asshole, or that women should cattle themselves to any one man just to feed his ego and swell his heads. Those men become disposable after a while, and the longer you’re with them, the harder it’ll be to lose of them. They’re like free porn on the internet, fun for a while and satisfying to your curiosity, but not something you want your friends to know your doing, and you eventually delete all shortcuts and emails having to do with it before you catch a virus. Using these techniques, you’ll take a man that brings flowers to your mom on her birthday and turn him into a guy who’s ready to bitch-slap you because you buttered the wrong side of his toast. Then you finally get rid of him and what have we got? Another bad boy roaming free on the streets looking for another woman between his crosshairs. The good people of this earth need that like we need more crack whores and real estate agents.

Most women make the mistake of finding a bad boy and trying to change him into a nice guy. Part of me thinks we still need women like this in society or else daytime talk shows would be completely unentertaining, but mostly I just shake my head in pity, then laugh and enjoy watching human stupidity at its finest. Maybe you actually are special enough to change him, just like the female leads do in those feelgood romantic comedies on your Netflix list, but most likely, dozens have already tried and failed. Just call and ask all the baby’s mommas or booty calls in his blackberry. They all thought they loved him enough to change him too.

What I’m suggesting is that a woman finds a nice guy that she’s genuinely attracted to and gives him a chance. Once you see what it’s like to be treated with respect and appreciated for your character, maybe he’ll spoil you enough that you learn how much better a nice guy is in a long term relationship. At this point, if you still want a bad boy, start working with what you’ve already got. No matter how nice a guy is, there exists an alter ego of a bad boy in him. They’ve already got morals and decency, but there’s still that desire to be the guy that women look at with excitement but are still not too sure of, the guy that has that has confidence with an air of arrogance about him while he orders a drink at the bar, the guy that looks you over so hard you feel your ass get hot and wants to take you home just to find out if you’re a moaner or a screamer.

I’m not suggesting a woman should take a good man and abuse the fuck out of him until he becomes an asshole, or that women should cattle themselves to any one man just to feed his ego and swell his heads. Those men become disposable after a while, and the longer you’re with them, the harder it’ll be to lose of them. They’re like free porn on the internet, fun for a while and satisfying to your curiosity, but not something you want your friends to know your doing, and you eventually delete all shortcuts and emails having to do with it before you catch a virus. Using these techniques, you’ll take a man that brings flowers to your mom on her birthday and turn him into a guy who’s ready to bitch-slap you because you buttered the wrong side of his toast. Then you finally get rid of him and what have we got? Another bad boy roaming free on the streets looking for another woman between his crosshairs. The good people of this earth need that like we need more crack whores and real estate agents.

Most women make the mistake of finding a bad boy and trying to change him into a nice guy. Part of me thinks we still need women like this in society or else daytime talk shows would be completely unentertaining, but mostly I just shake my head in pity, then laugh and enjoy watching human stupidity at its finest. Maybe you actually are special enough to change him, just like the female leads do in those feelgood romantic comedies on your Netflix list, but most likely, dozens have already tried and failed. Just call and ask all the baby’s mommas or booty calls in his blackberry. They all thought they loved him enough to change him too.

What I’m suggesting is that a woman finds a nice guy that she’s genuinely attracted to and gives him a chance. Once you see what it’s like to be treated with respect and appreciated for your character, maybe he’ll spoil you enough that you learn how much better a nice guy is in a long term relationship. At this point, if you still want a bad boy, start working with what you’ve already got. No matter how nice a guy is, there exists an alter ego of a bad boy in him. They’ve already got morals and decency, but there’s still that desire to be the guy that women look at with excitement but are still not too sure of, the guy that has that has confidence with an air of arrogance about him while he orders a drink at the bar, the guy that looks you over so hard you feel your ass get hot and wants to take you home just to find out if you’re a moaner or a screamer.

Last 5 posts by Dempsey the Bartender

• Sugar and spice and a teaspoon of ho - October 11th, 2006