So I decided to take the plunge. It was an utterly nerve-wracking experience. But I finally got a glimpse of what “relationship people” must go through all the time.

Let me set the stage for you.

Susan and I have been dancing around the suggestion of this “union” for months. But the conversation always ended with me finding a reason why it wouldn’t work out. Maybe I’m a control freak. Maybe I like my freedom. Wait, of course I like my freedom. I love not having to consult anyone, about anything. I don’t like the idea of negotiating and compromising, of giving up anything.

But some things you physically can’t do by yourself. Some things actually are better when you do them with other people.

I mentioned this potential union to a mutual friend of ours and he was over the moon about it. He thought it was the best idea, that we would be really great together. And I say I don’t want to mess up our friendship and he says don’t worry; you guys will work it out. Just do it.

Fine. So I start planning how I would go about asking her. We’ve gone back and forth, so now I need to make a grand gesture – a pronouncement of my willingness to commit. I begin to rehearse what I’ll say, maybe I’ll get down on one knee. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. And there’s the concept. Find a card that reads: Be My Valentine. Then cross out Valentine and write something else in. (By the way, there are NO cards that say, “be my valentine” anywhere! No one asks anymore. It’s just I love you, I wanna do you Bang!)

Our wires have been crossed all day and for a while, it looks like it won’t happen. But I don’t take that as a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it. That would be too easy. And there were plenty of signs. I lost my wallet, temporarily. No wallet means no gas in the car or money to prepare the trimmings. She was planning to go out for the afternoon and expecting company in the evening. It was raining, and LA folk lose their damn minds at the first sign of rain so driving would not be fun.

But I get passed all this and make it across town to her place, the same time her houseguest arrives. I bring her her favorite French bread and her favorite coffee and a bouquet of flowers. I’m holding out this pink envelope to her. And she saying “Wait, I’ll be right there. Wait, I’ll be right with you.” And I begin to fidget like a three year old at a commencement ceremony, feeling exposed and out of place. I’m sweating. I couldn’t believe it. We’ve been friends for years and I’m actually nervous. I’m wishing she would just take the damn card and read it so this crap can be over with one way or the other. She finally settles down and reads the card:

Susan, be my director. Please…

She hugs me, and Susan is not a hugger.

But it’s official. She will direct my movie this spring. We are making a movie together. I made her actually say the word yes before I reveal the bottle of bubbly I bought to christen our commitment to each other.

You poor relationship people! You must go through this all the time. Will she say yes? Will things change between us? Will I like the change? What am I giving up to be bound to this person? Am I making the right decision? How do I get out if it’s not? It’s aggravating and scary. And I never wanna go through this shit again!

As I settle into the idea of this union, I think my confidence at the decision is growing, because I am realizing what this commitment means. It means I have to trust her. And I don’t just mean creatively with my script. I need to trust her to listen and compromise and be careful with my feeling, but also honest. And she trusts me to do the same. I have to do the same.

So now I’m responsible for someone else’s feeling… The commitment stuff is certainly a mind-fuck, isn’t it? I hope it’s worth it.

Last 5 posts by Keisha7

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