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Well, we are 40 years past the advent of “Women’s Lib”…and where does that leave us? With me, a woman, holding the door for some numb-nut cock sucker at the Whole Foods yesterday.My only thought: where is the Chivalry? I normally wouldn’t mind. I understand that Los Angeles is packed with narcissist pricks who, weaned on ‘Pimp My Ride’, have the values of a truck stop whore-monger. But today, I’m less compassionate. I’ve got cramps.

See, in lots of ways, us women still have to carry our side of the bargain. In addition to cramps, we have weaker biceps (usually), and more sensitive skin, so we wrinkle faster (which has nothing to do with chivalry…but isn’t it a bitch!)

And of course the world is moving fast. People have a lot on their minds…and there are a lot of bullshit pilates appointments to get to, especially where the incident occurred: in Brentwood. But too often, men have lapsed into a sort of coma when it comes to treating the fairer sex with the pleasantries of the old country. Namely, pulling a chair out…letting her walk ahead in a tight space…or carrying her heavy bags. Is that asking too much? The question is rhetorical of course…& the answer is: NO, you noodle-brained cock-stank!

Because ultimately, we do not live in an equal society. Sure, I don’t have to wear a burka on my head (although some days with my haircut, I’ve considered it.) But make no mistake, ours is in no way a society of fairness and equality. Where this is most painfully evident, is financially.

In America, a woman still makes roughly 72 cents on every dollar a man makes. I can confirm that in my personal experience! Where I work, even though I HAVE SENIORITY, I make roughly HALF of what my male counterparts make. So there’s the issue of salary discrepancies.

When over 48 percent of marriages end in divorce, you can see why this issue would be worrisome. Plus, we still have to deal with those aforementioned cramps once a month, so that we can bear YOUR children. The ones we now have to support on our own, WITH all of our new fucking wrinkles, so there’s no way in hell we will ever meet another man with a decent job and more than a semi-flaccid wanker!!!! Can YOU hold a fucking door open, please?

What chivalry says to me is basically: kindness. A man who is chivalrous is one who has nothing to prove, no baggage of resentment or anger to punish his next girlfriend with, or for that matter, any random woman on the street. He is the same man who would let someone cut in traffic, or say please and thank you. But beyond that, he is a man who appreciates the unique gifts that women possess. The gift of giving life (and taking it away, if you don’t hold that goddamn door open.)

A man who is chivalrous is one who understands that long before there was women’s lib, there was the covenant of family. Man has his strengths, woman has hers. Together, they have a long history of “playing well.” And that happened because he realized her special gifts, and found a way to appreciate her. She did the same, (thus the term: “blow job” was born).

But it’s a new world, right? An easy, dispensable, “70 ounces of slurpee…just because I can” world…right? You’re a modern man, you’re not trapped by a family, you go home every night to your “girls gone wild” collection…and maybe you think you don’t need to do anything special for any woman….after all, look what these co-eds are doing, selling out their dignity for a t-shirt? Forget holding a door open, this chick seems focused on one goal: cock-munching. Right? And she doesn’t need any guy to show her she’s special, heck — she’ll show her tits for a poly-cotton blend.

But that’s not reality. Those are chicks who rely on their sexuality because they don’t believe themselves worthy of standing on any other merits. Their self-esteem is so damaged, this has become their only currency. These are girls for whom validation is the only value worth pursuing. How sad is that? She is not someone who is capable of loving anyone else, because she can’t love herself unless some fuckwad with a camera tells her she’s pretty enough. And she’s probably got a kid at home who’s SHE’S ignoring — in pursuit of her own esteem fix — who will grow up to be equally vapid and inauthentic.

Yet, even she deserves chivalry. Just because she doesn’t see her own true worth, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

And beyond which, most women are nothing like that girl. Your mother’s not. Your grandmother’s not. And your wife and daughter won’t be. Most women are just people with smaller biceps and smaller paychecks trying to make do in this post-911 society. Which means, we don’t even get to take our lip-gloss on the plane anymore.

So, when you see a woman struggling with a door, give her a break.

And ladies, if you find a good man for whom this isn’t a lesson to be learned…hold on to that fucker. It was something I took for granted and I regret that. Because while I miss a lot of things about my Ex…there’s one thing in particular: I have to carry my own shit now.