Over the next half hour I was horrified. The program centered on the authors of a new book about keeping a happy marriage after a child is born. The bulk of the program consisted of a group of new mothers talking about why they don’t feel like having sex with their husbands since having a child. There was also a group of new fathers talking about how they had a funeral for their sex lives shortly after having their first child. What horrified me most about the program was that I already knew what they were talking about.

At the age of twenty eight I have several friends who have gone from drinking buddy passed out on my couch to responsible father. I’ve had the opportunity to speak to these men before, during, and after the marriage process and with some of them before and after having a child. From all the men I’ve known in my life, friends, relatives, co-workers, bartenders, whoever, I have learned two things. If sex is in any way important to you:

1. Never get married.
2. Never have children.

Although I don’t have children, several men have described to me the process a man goes through after having a child. All of these descriptions are similar and include the following:

1. Your wife gets pregnant.
2. The sex understandably drops off.
3. By the end of her pregnancy you’re both now “Used” to not having sex for over a month at a time.
4. The child is born and the time commitment of a new born is exhausting. If you’re lucky you have sex with in the first three months of your child’s birth.
5. You can count the number of times you’ve had sex in the last HALF YEAR on one hand.
6. Your child now is old enough to sleep long enough for you to get your grove on. You want sex so bad it becomes a regular conversation between you and your wife and she routinely “Doesn’t have the energy,” “Has a headache,” “Isn’t feeling up to it,” or filibusters with conversation about bills, the child, the house, etc. until it’s too late or she’s too tired to have sex.
7. Up until now all stories have been nearly identical but here is where they tend to differ depending on the wife’s personality. If the wife is an emotional person than check out 7A. If the wife’s a reasonable understanding person than check out 7B.
   1. She’s emotional: Your constant requests for sex turn into quick arguments or her breaking down and crying. She uses a combination of crying to change the topic and yelling to prevent you from bringing it up again.
   2. She’s reasonable: You explain how much the lack of sex effects you and how it’s an important part of the relationship. She says she’ll try harder and eventually becomes semi-psychic by giving you sex just moments before you’re about to have “The final talk.” You discuss going to a therapist, changing birth control, changing diet, and other options to change her lack of sex drive but she never has time because of the child and/or work.
8. After enough time you’re mentally and emotionally beaten to the point of looking forward to your birthday because there’s a 75% chance you’ll actually have sex. Of course at that point you may be a combination of desensitized and bitter making you sexually prefer your porn to your wife.

While writing this article I called and interviewed several of my friends who are married with children. I’m sure some people will dismiss this as me having a few friends who are in unfortunate circumstances but all my life I’ve known men who told me the same story. Whether it’s a cousin, a friend, a brother, I’ve heard the same story dozens of times, as has every man. Each of my friends even admits that before having children (Or in one cases just after announcing they were having a child) they had men with children coming out of the wood work to make jokes and welcome them into a life of sexlessness.When researching this topic I found that nearly every site, study, and periodical had the same cause at the top of the list for decreased sex drive. Stress. Stress causes impotence, decrease in sexual desire, and dozens of other undesirable emotional and psychological responses that can kill a sex life. That said arguably the most stressful thing a person can do is have or raise a child.

If you pay attention to your friends, family, and scientific fact, you’re left with a single choice. (Barring the rare exception to the rule.) You can have a child or you can have a sex life, but you can’t have both.

Now I know I won’t be the first guy to let the world know that men look at porn. Pornography happens to be one of the largest exports of America, and that’s not counting the several billion we spend on it each year. Somehow my girlfriend thinks I alone am keeping this billion dollar industry alive, even though I don’t have the cash to fix the air conditioning in my car. The truth is men look at porn, straight men look at porn, gay men look at porn, doctors, lawyers, teachers all look at porn. If you think your father doesn’t look at porn it’s because he’s had fifty years experience hiding it.

I’m sure some where out there is some guy who doesn’t look at porn and two things are true about him:

1. He is the extreme exception to the rule.
2. I’d never let him baby sit.

If you were to ask my girlfriend what our fight was about she’d say it was about what I looked at. The truth is it had nothing to do with WHAT I looked at, but WHY I looked at it. From conversations I’ve had with other men I suspect I’m not alone on this. My girlfriend is a beautiful slim blonde woman with a larger than normal chest. If she goes on my computer and sees crazy sex acts with a blonde woman with a larger than normal chest she doesn’t care, in fact she’s gotten a little frisky with me while I’ve been checking out such material on more than one occasion. If however the woman happens to be a red head or perhaps Asian, she explodes. This has nothing to do with what I’m looking at, but her own insecurities as to why.

Men look at porn because it’s a fantasy. The problem I’m facing is that my girlfriend seems to think she has the right to decide what kind of fantasies I’m allowed to have. If I look at vintage porn that’s OK but two girls at once aren’t. I can look at all the celebrity porn I want, but no Latina porn. Basically she’s fine with me looking at anyone who is a good representation of herself, or isn’t representational of anyone I could have sex with in real life. Unfortunately my brain doesn’t work that way, I’m sorry if I want to look at red heads more than Klingons, but that’s just the kind of guy I am.

My girlfriend was extremely upset one time because I was looking at porn of some trashy, worn out looking, slightly over weight women. She couldn’t understand why I would look at these women if I found her more attractive. The reason is simple, it’s a fantasy. With these women I can make scenarios in my head. They look like hookers and in real life I’d never go to a hooker. I’d be terrified of diseases, pimps, and jail. But in my little fantasy I can do anything. It’s exciting to think of doing something I know I couldn’t or wouldn’t do in real life. I’ve also fantasized about beating the hell out of the guy who stole my car stereo but that doesn’t mean I belong in jail for assault. “But that’s different, that’s all in your head. You don’t spend your free time watching videos of people beating each other up!” That reminds me, I need to return that Steven Segal movie on the coffee table.

A second point is that men need a certain degree of variety. That doesn’t mean we need to be with dozens of women or cheat on the women we’re with, but we need at least some variety, even if it’s in our own heads. I love my girlfriend very much, and when I get the occasional urge for some variety I find myself looking at porn of various ethnicities doing things that might be illegal in most states. If she thought about it I’m sure she’d rather I used the computer than closed my eyes and let my imagination provide variety. At least on the computer there’s not much chance I’ll see my secretary who wears the low cut shirts, or my girlfriend’s sister.

I understand where my girlfriend’s insecurity is coming from but in truth it’s unfounded. I’m happy with her and I am perfectly loyal. I think my girlfriend is one of the most beautiful women in the world and I’m not going to leave her for a red head, Latina, or midget. Men need to entertain a little fantasy every now and then and I think it’s best for men to do this through porn rather than real life. Would you rather your man looked at porn of nameless women he’ll never meet, or thought of the waitress at the place he regularly goes to lunch? There’s nothing wrong with an innocent fantasy, and chances are that nameless face on the screen will never leave her number at the bottom of a check.

Long story short, I dated a girl in high school who was, shall I say, a little unstable. There came a point where I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with her and I sat her down and told her why it was over. Six hours of crying and pleading later she told me that if I broke up with her she’d kill herself. She had had a history of cutting herself and recently had a falling out with her best friend, the only other people she felt close to. Knowing her as well as I did, I took this threat seriously.

At fifteen I was put in a hard situation. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, but I didn’t want her dead either. Over the next three months I did all I could to get her closer to her friends and support base and less attached to me. During that time I met a girl I ended up really liking. I explained to her the exact situation I was in with my girlfriend. She said she really liked me too and we could be together in private until I felt I could end things with my current girlfriend without worrying about her killing herself.

Three months later my girlfriend was seeing her friends as often as she was seeing me, her confidence was way up, and for the first time since we started dating I wasn’t playing the largest role in her life, she was. This time the break up took about half an hour. She was of course upset, but no where near the dark place she was in her life previous. A month later I went on my first official date with the wonderful woman I had been involved with for nearly three months. Given the chance, I’d have done it all the same.

Yes, I cheated on a girlfriend in high school, but I’m not a cheater. I also stole a candy bar from the grocery store when I was 8, but I’m not a thief. I’ve never cheated on a girl since and I feel completely justified in what I did. I’ve since talked to several people, both men and women, who have had different instances in which they cheated and felt justified. If you judge a person based on a single negative experience they are honest enough to share with you then you’re destined to end up with someone who has done far worse and lies about it.

Counter Point –

By Janie Jane, Author of “Once a cheater, Always a cheater”

Blah, blah, blah…so you were trying to save someone’s life. Were you having sex with two women at the same time without telling one of them? Then you were cheating. And although you did these things as a child, you bring the behavior into your adult life and transfer it into adult situations. Sure, you don’t steal candy bars anymore…but do you steal music? If it’s easy, you do. If you’re not gonna get caught you do. So you’re a thief and a cheater. In any event, I do agree that sometimes cheating is justified…all I’m saying is once you do it the first time, you’ll be tempted to do it again and again. Cheaters don’t change. Either will my opinion of them.