“Dear Janie, I have come to the conclusion that I am completely unable to have a real relationship on account of being a sex and masturbation addict.”

End quote. What the fuck??? Imagine my reaction when I got this email. Let’s forget about the fact that it came in a fucking email. (Note to self…never end a relationship via the internet. It’s really bad.) But honestly, now I think I’ve heard the motherload. So I am going to take this opportunity to publicly respond to the asshole that broke up with me, via the internet, because he enjoys getting off.

Dear Fuckface,

You are a fucking fuckface. I hate to refer to the Greg Behrendt book, but if you’re just not that into me, than fucking just say it. Dear Janie…I’m just not that into you. To which I would have responded…thank you fuckface, for keepin’ it real.

I’m sure you thought I would respect such brutal honestly on your behalf. But while we’re being “brutally honest,” this is the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard in my life. First off, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with masturbation. I love masturbating. Who the fuck doesn’t? I keep a fucking pocket rocket with me at all times! (True story.) Do you think I would honestly care if you did this excessively? Hell, I’d just want to watch. Masturbate all you want. Watch porn. Do it when I’m around, when I’m not around…do it in front of me…do it on me. I don’t care. So you can’t break up with me because you’re addicted to masturbating. Enough said.

Now, for the sex addict part. There’s a fine line between a sex addict and a really horny man. I’m fine with both. I have never…I repeat NEVER…been with a man who wants to have sex as much as, or more than me. So if anyone should be dating a sex addict, it’s me. (What a proud moment…) I understand that this probably also means you would like to have multiple partners. Who the fuck cares? Just ask. You never even asked. Truly, I love you so much that I would pretty much allow anything in our relationship. Pathetic, yes…but true. You didn’t even give me a chance to accept you and your alleged “issues.”

So in conclusion Dear Fuckface, basically your excuse does not stand up. You need to either come up with a new one, or get the fuck over here and put your money where your mouth is. Or in this case, your cock.

-Janie

Once a cheater…always a cheater. What a bold, judgmental, bitter statement to make. But yeah, I’m gonna make it anyway, because it’s true. Now I personally have never cheated…well, there was that once…but is it really cheating if you end things with your significant other the day after it happens? I think not. Okay, so I’ve never really cheated, but to be extremely honest, I have been “the other woman” quite a lot. Why? Because it’s easy… the same as cheating.

The first time your man cheated, it was hard. It tore him up inside. He struggled with the decision. He was consumed by guilt and wondered to tell, or not to tell… But don’t worry, because just like everything else in life, practice makes perfect. Which leads me to my theory: Once a cheater…always a cheater. I promise you, every time he’s eaten that forbidden fruit, it’s gotten easier and easier. And once he got over that first guilt-ridden hurdle, it becomes second nature.

Another reason I think cheaters will always be cheaters is because by nature, people get off by breaking the rules. It’s addictive. Even the most prim and proper get a little rush by breaking the law. And once you’ve felt that rush once, you’ll want to keep feeling it again and again. Just like heroin. Yes girls…if your boyfriend has cheated in the past, you’re basically dating a heroin addict. He may give up the habit for a little while, but it’s called a habit for a reason. He’ll eventually fall off that wagon and go back to dippin’ that dick where it don’t belong.

Still don’t believe me? Have you ever heard of that little ‘ol saying: people don’t change. Well, cheaters are people. Therefore, come on…say it with me…cheaters don’t change. Once a cheater…always a cheater. Anyway you say it, you’re getting screwed. (And so is someone else.)

Even if you think you and your once-cheater boyfriend have the perfect relationship…even if you’re giving him so much sex he can’t walk…even if you cook him dinner and rub his shoulders to his heart’s content…he still wants more. If he knows his ex will fuck him…he’s fucking her. There’s at least 1 woman at his workplace that prefers one of those no strings attached relationships. He’s fucking her. If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again and again and again. Because it’s easy, it’s addictive, and people don’t change. How much more proof do you need?

Counter Point –

By Post Boy, Author of “Sometimes it’s OK to cheat”

As human beings we grow and learn. Yes in my youth I cheated on a girlfriend, I also shoplifted and did recreational drugs. As an adult I don’t steal, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t cheat. In high school I was a different person with different beliefs, but over a decade later I don’t see why you should punish the person I am for the person I was, especially since the only reason you know about my youthful indiscretions is because I’m open and honest enough to tell you. I’m not saying cheating is alright, I’m just saying that you should always hear a person out. Everyone has done something once in their life and regretted it, why make them pay for it even decades after the fact. There are people who break the law and become career criminals, just as there are people who do it once and learn their lesson. Why punish a person who learned their lesson about cheating possibly decades before even meeting you?

I believe in true love. I do. But I don’t think you have to say “I do” to make it last. Sliding a ring on someone’s finger does NOT equal forever. True love = forever. No rings, no stepping on a glass, no you may kiss the bride, and no signed piece of paper.

Just the idea that you have to be with ONE person for the rest of your life is hard enough. Instead of making your lover “have” to be with you, how about finding someone that “wants” to be with you. If your love is real, why does it need to be recognized by law? When two people love each other, do they really need a child-molesting priest to tell them it’s legit? No. It’s all ceremonial bullshit that probably started back in the Stone Age while men were dragging around their wives by the hair. Really…aren’t we past this?

And don’t get me started on the ceremonial bullshit that is a wedding. Weddings aren’t about love; they’re about appearances. This outdated ceremony has become the most important day of a woman’s life. How pathetic. To men, it’s become an excuse to cheat one last time at the bachelor party, before it’s considered adultery. People are spending thousands of dollars to express their love in public. While you’re fighting over floral arrangements and whether to serve fish or chicken, children are starving. Try donating that 50 grand to feed the children…not the 250 guests your mom invited that you don’t even know!

If marriage is truly a way to show your love and devotion to someone, in sickness and health, for all the days of your life…then why do approximately 60% of these blessed unions end in the big D? It’s all a scam. When I did a google search for “marriage statistics,” the first fact to come up was “4 out of 5 men regret marrying.” So why the fuck are they doing it? Because they’re pussies. And you girls are just as bad for making them do it. Instead of tying a knot around your lover, how about just tying your legs around him and giving him some sex every now and then. Rumor has it that most marriages are sexless after the first couple years. Is wearing a big diamond ring really worth the risk of ruining your sex life? I think not.

I understand that the majority of you are still going to get married. You have to. Society has trained you to follow that path. But I urge you just to think about WHY you’re doing it. If your love is a healthy, trusting, secure, passionate, real kinda love…then you don’t need a “legal union” to make it last. Just make each day count. That’s something worth saying “I do” to.