Sadly these ‘mere acquaintances’ and ‘past lovers’ may have meant more at one point, and while in a perfect world we would get along with these people the harsh reality is that when we make detachments of the physical kind, we detach ourselves emotionally too. The problem is after spending so much time with these people, it’s not unusual to find that you will have picked up some of their habits, and adapted yourself in a way that has made you compatible with them. No two people are alike, but it’s inevitable that the more time you spend with someone, the more you tailor your personality to them by picking up some of their mannerisms. So the only way to disassociate yourself with nearly everything you knew about them involves not only shedding any traits you may have picked up from them, but also rediscovering your own identity.

The most obvious way to remove any affiliation you had is to discard any material objects that hold emotional reminders of them. You already have no physical contact with that person, so it’s only logical to cast aside any personal objects that related to them. Surrounding yourself with these items leaves you in some kind of emotional limbo as although you no longer have an emotional bond with them, physically, they still serve as a reminder. If, like me, you’ve dabbled in many a relationship, you’ll probably have amassed a wide collection of your partner’s possessions. A photograph here, a soppy love letter there, we’re all guilty of holding onto the past. Yet while we’re used to encountering the break-ups followed by the ceremonial disposal of memorabilia, it doesn’t mean it gets any easier. We spend so long holding onto these items as though our life depended on them, that by the time it comes to throwing it out, these items have become our life. By getting rid of their belongings, you no longer have to be haunted by their memory, and can go about your life the way it was before you met them. Yet whilst this may be our way of “goodbye”, many people still find that they are able to deal with a civilised “hello” with a previous significant other from time to time. However, there are others who aren’t so civilised vocally. They prefer the actions speak louder than words method.

Whilst many people find that this is the most practical of solutions when it comes to organising their life, sadly there are some people who need a more drastic alternative; and that is to write that person out of their life completely. Not content with just chucking out the emotional clutter, some feel that the only way to establish their identity is to remember who they were before they had ever met these people. By severing all ties and cutting off all possible forms of contact, they can in a sense, get their life back before they walked in these social circles. Discovering your personality without these influences means both a stronger character and a surge in confidence, as you have to recognise what your original traits were as well as realising you can survive without these people. After all, we’re born into the world alone, and we’ve been doing pretty well without the help of people so far.

But personally, I don’t believe in the conventions of “hello” and “goodbye”. We use these salutations everyday but only because conversations expect this convention; and so the more we’re greeted, the harder it is for us to say goodbye. If you think about it, even when we do part ways with someone, the next time we meet with them we simply pick up from where we left off. This could go on for weeks, months, and even years. So even though you may think that saying goodbye to these old flames might be a way of reintroducing yourself to the world, in the grand scheme of things, these people are still part of the world. From the way someone laughs to a song you rarely hear, these mementos will be ingrained wherever you go. And it is these everyday souvenirs that remind you that even when you do everything you can to remove someone out of your life, somehow and somewhere, you will remember them. So tell me. Where is the good in goodbye?

The word “Potential” seems to be used by dating spin doctors to look at a negative trait in a positive light. “Sure he drives a Civic, but he has potential.” “I know he’s just a mechanic, but he has potential.” When a woman says a man has “Potential” what she’s really saying is that she plans on changing him. He might be happy with a modest job, car, and a two bedroom house, but she wants more, and rather than finding someone new she plans on changing the man she has into the man she wants.

If you find yourself in a conversation with a woman talking about your “Potential” know that she’s not giving you a complement, in fact it’s quite an insult. She’s talking about all the things you could be, all the things you aren’t. You might be blinded by her kind nature or disarming approach but the truth is you’re not what she wants. You might think she’s the only one who gave you a chance or that she’s the only one who sees how unique you are. I’ll even admit, she sees something in you that no one else does… someone else.

If a woman says you have potential what she really means is you’re not good enough… yet. Maybe after she badgers you into a career change you’ll make enough money for her. Maybe if she cries and complains enough she’ll emotionally blackmail you to stop going to play poker with the boys. In a relationship with a woman who sees your potential you can only be sure of two things. You’re not what she really wants, and she’s going to try to change you whether you like it or not.

Think about the person who made you happiest in your life. Just picture them smiling or cuddled with you on the couch. Would you ever say that they had potential? Absolutely not, they were what you wanted, they made you happy. If you want to be happy again than avoid the passive aggressive games. Avoid the calculated tears or subtle insults. If a woman tells you that you have potential, leave her and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

Over the next half hour I was horrified. The program centered on the authors of a new book about keeping a happy marriage after a child is born. The bulk of the program consisted of a group of new mothers talking about why they don’t feel like having sex with their husbands since having a child. There was also a group of new fathers talking about how they had a funeral for their sex lives shortly after having their first child. What horrified me most about the program was that I already knew what they were talking about.

At the age of twenty eight I have several friends who have gone from drinking buddy passed out on my couch to responsible father. I’ve had the opportunity to speak to these men before, during, and after the marriage process and with some of them before and after having a child. From all the men I’ve known in my life, friends, relatives, co-workers, bartenders, whoever, I have learned two things. If sex is in any way important to you:

1. Never get married.
2. Never have children.

Although I don’t have children, several men have described to me the process a man goes through after having a child. All of these descriptions are similar and include the following:

1. Your wife gets pregnant.
2. The sex understandably drops off.
3. By the end of her pregnancy you’re both now “Used” to not having sex for over a month at a time.
4. The child is born and the time commitment of a new born is exhausting. If you’re lucky you have sex with in the first three months of your child’s birth.
5. You can count the number of times you’ve had sex in the last HALF YEAR on one hand.
6. Your child now is old enough to sleep long enough for you to get your grove on. You want sex so bad it becomes a regular conversation between you and your wife and she routinely “Doesn’t have the energy,” “Has a headache,” “Isn’t feeling up to it,” or filibusters with conversation about bills, the child, the house, etc. until it’s too late or she’s too tired to have sex.
7. Up until now all stories have been nearly identical but here is where they tend to differ depending on the wife’s personality. If the wife is an emotional person than check out 7A. If the wife’s a reasonable understanding person than check out 7B.
   1. She’s emotional: Your constant requests for sex turn into quick arguments or her breaking down and crying. She uses a combination of crying to change the topic and yelling to prevent you from bringing it up again.
   2. She’s reasonable: You explain how much the lack of sex effects you and how it’s an important part of the relationship. She says she’ll try harder and eventually becomes semi-psychic by giving you sex just moments before you’re about to have “The final talk.” You discuss going to a therapist, changing birth control, changing diet, and other options to change her lack of sex drive but she never has time because of the child and/or work.
8. After enough time you’re mentally and emotionally beaten to the point of looking forward to your birthday because there’s a 75% chance you’ll actually have sex. Of course at that point you may be a combination of desensitized and bitter making you sexually prefer your porn to your wife.

While writing this article I called and interviewed several of my friends who are married with children. I’m sure some people will dismiss this as me having a few friends who are in unfortunate circumstances but all my life I’ve known men who told me the same story. Whether it’s a cousin, a friend, a brother, I’ve heard the same story dozens of times, as has every man. Each of my friends even admits that before having children (Or in one cases just after announcing they were having a child) they had men with children coming out of the wood work to make jokes and welcome them into a life of sexlessness.When researching this topic I found that nearly every site, study, and periodical had the same cause at the top of the list for decreased sex drive. Stress. Stress causes impotence, decrease in sexual desire, and dozens of other undesirable emotional and psychological responses that can kill a sex life. That said arguably the most stressful thing a person can do is have or raise a child.

If you pay attention to your friends, family, and scientific fact, you’re left with a single choice. (Barring the rare exception to the rule.) You can have a child or you can have a sex life, but you can’t have both.